guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
two words...techno handjob
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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