Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
