If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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