were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize