ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
