for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
