If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
