Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
