I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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