this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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