that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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