No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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