I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
