i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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