I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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