dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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