Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she peed on how many people?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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