I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
