last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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