my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
