i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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