She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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