Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
