Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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