We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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