I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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