I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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