Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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