Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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