omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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