I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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