just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
