Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
