upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize