I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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