My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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