i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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