He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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