Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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