On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
