Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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