i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
