Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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