I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
