This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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