Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
