yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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