Small penises have feelings too.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
