Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
