there's paper in my vomit.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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