Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
