I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
