Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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