I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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