I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
