I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
