remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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