In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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