I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
