so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
