I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
