Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
