I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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